It's going to be a Merry Christmas, this year!

As most of you know, my family suffered a huge loss last month. 4 Weeks ago yesterday, to be exact. We lost our baby at our 15 week prenatal check up. We were so excited to add another baby to our family and had a great pregnancy. I had started feeling our baby moving around a couple weeks before that. It's an amazing feeling to know that something that was created in love is growing inside of you. Already having a 3 year old son, we took for granted, like most, that because we were pregnant, we were going to have a baby. Sadly it was not to be. During the first couple weeks, we did everything we could to keep busy and do things that bring us joy; one of them, being CHRISTmas. We got out the Decor and put up our tree! This is our first CHRISTmas in our new home, so we even got to buy a bigger tree this year! Doing this, helped us deal with our grief as it came, instead of only thinking about our loss and dwelling on the sadness of it all. Already having a child helped us as well, because we had to keep things as normal for him as possible. Our son had already nick named our baby, "Baby Pickle" so we even got a pickle CHRISTmas tree ornament as a special gift for us to always have our baby with us, through the holidays as well.

It's been difficult for me to get back to work. I've turned down several newborn and birth sessions, because I didn't think I could handle it. Now, one of my best friends will be having a baby in a few weeks, and I'm so happy to be able to photograph her birth. I've always been amazed at the entire conception/birth process and always found each child to be a miracle, however, knowing that I'm healthy, eat right, do not drink alcohol, smoke or do drugs, I take my vitamins, etc, etc, and I STILL lost my baby, makes me that much more amazed and realize TRUELY what a miracle it is to give birth, because there are so many things that can go wrong, even when you do EVERYTHING right. I'm looking forward to the day when we can try again and hopefully the next time, will be the right time. All things happen in God's time, not in ours. If it is his Will, it will happen. We just thank God for our son, Landon and for the time that I was able to spend with my unborn baby; thankful to feel it move, thankful to have that special bond.

Every year, our son is more and more thrilled with the magic of CHRISTmas. We try to draw a very clear line between the magic of Santa Clause and the Birth of Christ. And let him be able to experience both. The joy in his eyes brings joy to my heart. His stories of Santa Clause and Baby Jesus being born make me happy. He told my husband and I the other night that "since "Baby Pickle" is in Heaven, he is with baby jesus and they can play together"; and that made me think:: The feeling of losing my child is awful and I would not wish this on anyone, but it would be selfish to wish that baby back to me, when it gets to celebrate CHRISTmas with Jesus; the one who started it all. Our baby is in the most wonderful place and now my oldest child, has his own little angel watching over him and that makes me happy.

This process has been difficult and hard and if I'm lucky enough to live to be 90 and I look back, I will still hurt in my heart for the baby we lost, but will always be thankful for my husband, who married me when we were teenagers, who loves me always and created that child with me, for my son who's already here and brings a light to our lives that we've never seen before, for what is to come in our future, because we don't know what it holds, and for the journey of life that is full of ups and downs but it's not about what comes our way, it's how we handle it all.

I already have all the gifts that I need for my life. FAMILY, LOVE, HAPPINESS, PEACE, and HOPE. I hope that this CHRISTMAS, you too,are able to count your many blessings and be thankful for what you have. I have faith that this year will bring us many more joys and strength to get through any heartaches that may come our way.

I wanted to BLOG about this sooner, but just hadn't been able too yet, but I took a couple pictures of our tree today, and wanted to share with you! I wish you all the very Merriest of Christmases! God Bless you all!!!

*SENDING HUGS AND KISSES TO OUR "BABY PICKLE", IN HEAVEN* WE LOVE YOU!