My Angel Baby

Tonight, I have a heavy heart; Thinking of my Angel Baby that my family lost on November 9, 2010. It hurts so bad, the pain in my heart, but I know that my child is in Heaven. He is in the real SON-LIGHT. I miss being pregnant. I miss feeling the flutters. I miss what could have been. I know some think that when you have a miscarriage, you just lose a "clump of cells". But I am here to tell you that what I lost was child. Not a clump of cells. My baby had ten fingers and ten toes, a heart and had everything it needed, only to stay in the womb longer to grow. I am one that believes a baby is a baby at conception.

Miscarriage is still a "taboo" subject, even though it happens to 1 in 4. How does it happen to 25% of clinically recognized pregnancies, yet everyone's so afraid to talk about it? I know it's difficult and people don't know how to respond and others have this idea that it was somehow the mothers fault, when in MOST cases, the mother is healthy and has done everything right. I did everything right. I took my vitamins, I watched what I ate, I don't do drugs, or drink or smoke. I did everything, humanly possible, right. But it still happened. My baby's heart still stopped beating. So many do not talk about it. But I have to stand and say that I am not ashamed and I will tell my story. I want others to know that it's ok to talk about and you DO NOT have to hide it and actually it feels good to talk about it with others. It helps release a burden off of you.

As time goes by it gets a little easier but I still have my moments, like tonight, that I hurt and mourn my loss. But I know that I am still grieving. Tonight, I was able to frame the 10wk ultrasound picture of our "Baby Pickle" (this is what our 3 year old called our baby while it was in my tummy) and place it on a table that's right beside our front door; right beside my sons newborn picture, and mine and my husband's wedding picture, because although it still hurts (It always will) I am the PROUD mother of two. I have one child with feet and one child with wings and it may bring tears to my eyes to say it, but my heart smiles with pride.

This song is so comforting to me. It is my prayer tonight.

Praise You in This Storm

By Casting Crowns

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

and it's still raining as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone how can I carry on

if I can't find You

and as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls

I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

you just gotta have: